Sixth Grade Again

My last dream had three parts. First part I was with Turner, I was wondering how it would feel to be with him again. I was visiting him at a house, outside there was a small parking lot with cars. It was far away from where I had started, we had went up a huge hill. He was defensive with me but I ignored it. At night after I brushed my teeth, I went into his room, feelings like a little kid that didn't want to get in trouble but wanted to do something I'm not supposed to. I put my arm around him. We looked at eachother, it's been over a year and a half since we have seen eachother. It felt good, real and magical. His face glowed.

Second, I talked with Miss O'Donald my sixth grade teacher about coming to class. I came and it was all the same charecters. We went through exercises in the books again and again. What page are we on? I thought to myself, I hate this way of learning, I need for independance. Then I rode home with my class mates. "you missed my house, go back". Then it started raining and all four of them wanted to come in but one of them I was mad at and tried to keep out.

Then michell tried to come in and use the bathroom, I didn't want her to come in either and I felt angry. I locked both doors. My aunt and uncle came and left because the door was shut. I girls umbrella got stuck in the door on her way out. It was clear and red with a yellow handle.

Selfish

don't lie

when we need to park our bikes, you look for one spot.
when your thirsty, you look for one glass.
when your upset, you want to feel better.
when I'm upset... you want to be right.

selfish...

Learning Fast

Amazing... I was getting married. A typical girl dream EXCEPT it's not typical for me and it wasn't about a man. It was about me, the celebration was for me, the feeling involved in the dream were... I had gotten everything I wanted. My friends were there, I was wearing a white dress but there was no man. It occurred to me for a second that I was far away from the man so the wedding didn't make sense but I was happy so I kept moving on.

Blank..

Then I was in a carriage and I was telling Aydin about my wedding.. Explaining everything. We are on our way to a graveyard where the celebration will continue.

Blank

I'm in the water splashing around. Then I'm off to the Ceremony. They fly me to the side of a cliff. My cousins are all waiting on ropes, waiting to climb up the cliff to the other side. It's going to be a huge beautiful ceremony and everyone is waiting for me on the other side...

Blank

I need to fix my make-up but someone is in the bathroom so I'm very late...

Blank

The man was there. He was saying nasty things to me. I threw a spoon at him. I stayed calm and threw another. Then I told him "every time you say something nasty to me your getting a spoon!"

The 3rd House Ghost- Trapped

This is my third or forth dream about a ghost in a house. I feel that I must acknowledge there meaning before they will stop. This time I didn't act as scared as in the other dreams. I confronted the ghost.

I was going into the bathroom of a big white house. I walked back and forth between the bedroom and the bathroom collecting some things. I noticed the doors had a force behind them. When I would touch them I could feel that someone was trying to push them closed. This time I played back. I pushed back fighting the force.. Then weakened my effort to make it seem like I the door was going to shut before fighting back with all my effort again in a playful way.
I finally went into the shower and the door shut. The shower was on running hot water and the steam was filling the room. I was burning and couldn't breath. I couldn't open the door this time.

The people out side the room all went into a panic because there was some kind of fire or steam that was taking over the house and I was trapped in the bathroom on the top floor. It was the old bathroom that I photographed in Colorado.

I also dreamt of David. We were sitting at a dinner table and he was giving me advice. Then I dreamt of Km. That I had flew home without notice and surprised him. I ran up to him and we hugged.

I feel like this apt has become my trap. I feel like the ghost represents all the things from my past that won't let me be happy here. Then there are the dreams about the murderer who I recently found out is Aydin. Representing what... My fear of him hurting me..
David represents reason and approaching things without any emotion. Km represents my desire to leave or escape to somewhere I feel safe and accepted.

This is my third time trying to live with a man. The first time I ever tried. I had reoccurring dreams that I was drowning, running out of air or couldn't breath. I was always just below the surface of the water but I couldn't reach the top...

When I woke up this morning I remembered how I used to make myself a fruit smoothie every Saturday morning at my apt in New York. When I lived on my own, when I only had to consider what I like when I prepared food.

Another Killer

Last night I dreamt of another killer. He was getting keys to people's apt. I was running down the street in my underwear. I go home but don't feel safe. I sleep in the closet, then I sleep in a tent. I'm running away when I find a dumpster with all the apt keys in it and one dead body. I'm in a tent hiding with a guy from highschool. I feel pressure on my back from outside the tent, someone is there and I think it's the killer. The pressure turns sharp and I have the thought that it may be a knife. I open the tent and it's Aydin, he wants to know what I'm doing there with that man.
I'm starting to think these killer dreams are about living with someone, living with Aydin.

What to Believe

This dream went on all night, I woke up fell back asleep and kept dreaming this crazy dream. There was this guy. He was good looking tall and perhaps based on that acter that was against batman in the last movie. He was evil and kept killing people, we were in this ambandon parking lot, so long abadon that grass had begun to grow. He kept killing people, everyone. He killed me, he shot me, the bullet hit but then instead of pain I felt a sence of freedom like the bullet opened my heart and the fear I had left. Then he shot me again and I felt the same. I didn't die but then was traveling with him, seeing what he did. I because close to him and began to trust him. We had a love afair. But I never knew if he would still try to kill me.

Then I switched charecter and I was inside the killer. The woman that used to be me had turned and plotted to trap me. Many people were after me and I was fighting back. I stabbed a doctor, I had to get out of the building I was in. Everytime I saw an object I threw it at someone. I threw more knifes, some hit people some didn't. A man picked up one of the knifes I missed with and threw if back at me. I turned to run and it hit me in the back and stuck, then another. I had two knifes in my back and I was trying not to lay down as not to push them in deeper. I collapsed onto the floor. Someone came over to me, touched my head. I then relized the knifes were in the back of my head and I it ended.

Ignored

I had a dream my brother died.. I walked around with his image standing in front of me, crying and trying to explain the tragedy.

Then I was in a strange house with many rooms. One room Sean was sleading down a hill in a boat with one of my ex-boyfriends. I went to another room with cold feet. My slippers were there but when I went to put them on they started moving. I followed my stepping slippers out of the room and down the stairs. Through out the rest of the dream this leading "ghost" energy forced me to different places. I was screaming for help, my family and friends were around me but not responding.

Yesterday AGAIN! My Favorite reoccuring dream, why is there always a BUS!?! Aydin was riding it with me this time. We were playing on the big bus with lots of room.

Cheating

I dreamt of cheating. Over and over again my mind kept thinking "I don't want him to know". This is what happens when you watch too many soap operas. Drama, affairs and romance are like porn for woman. It doesn't matter if it's low quality, we just need it. TV is a good substitute for creating it in our own lives.

4am- Wake-ups of Confusion

I dreamt of a little girl again last night. I don't remember much but she was near a cliff. I was going to her. Looking for her. She was in a crowd and a mess of things were happening around her.

I kept waking up confused and thinking to myself. Why am I doing this? What am I supposed to be doing here? I can't help but wonder why I'm having these, 4am wake-ups of confusion.. I've had them ever since I left New York.

Another Fanacy Castle Dream

Last night I was taking care of a little girl again. I loved her so much and fought to protect her. I climbed a stairwell of a building fighting people off with a sword. She was in one of the apts and I was trying to find her.

Her father made a lot of money. He threw an arrow into the sky towards a castle in the ocean. "that's were we are going to live". There was an elevator and the bunk beds my brother and I had when we were little.

The strongest feelings of the dream were love and protection.. the fighting came from those feelings. It was a nice dream.

Ok so the ones I had this morning is even more weird then most. I was talking to the twins and they were telling me how they like to fuck. In an explaining way. There was also water and toys. I guess that's all I remember.

Hope and Excitement

Last night I was in a garden with a fountain. There must have been a wedding or something because there were women wearing white dresses. One woman had on a bathing suit and her breasts had blinking lights on them. She walked deeper and deeper into a pool.

I was going to be an actress. I was practicing with this woman but then it stopped being practice and became a real argument. Then I was riding in a car up and down winding roads. There was hope and excitment.



I walked into a doctors office and was waiting in front of two desks each with a doctor behind it. Aydin came in and the doctors said he shouldn't be there, it's not his place. Then he started to explain that he knows me well and that he understands when I'm getting sick. I started to feel dizzy.

In real life I have finally moved into my new apt in Amsterdam and I'm almost finished unpacking.

Distraction

This morning when I was folding my cloths, something in a song sounded like him. I stopped without relizing it and starred at the corner of the room for 3 minutes, thinking of his voice.

Rising Above or Sinking

I dreamt of someone else. Ciaron was there. I was walking with a friend and Aydin got Jealous. He started asking me all these questions. He yelled at me and I left.

Ciaron was there. I was trying to get him to help me. Everytime I get to the point I want to leave I instantly dream of other men and think of calling. My brain automatically starts moving on.

I got into trouble and someone was trying to drag me out of public and into a private space. They put a needle in my arm. I yelled for people to help me. I yelled to him to help me but he didn't come. He was angry.

I was in a house with a man who was ruining my things. Throwing them into the water and I was trying to save them. He was pushing me around a house and near a bed. I was in the ocean flooding away, my things were also flooting in the water. I saw women at a bar in the ocean. I asked them to please put my money in a register and keep it safe.

Cheesy lyrics to my next hate song..

Plan B is offically in effect.. I'm open to flirting and feeling wanted again, feeling beautiful and feeling powerful. His glow has faded for me.

Angry thoughts..

He will never admit he's wrong and I desire peace, I can't function with tension around me.. so of coarse I will be the first to give in, give me, the first to call back and of coarse always the first and sometimes the only one to appoligize.

I will continue to be me. He will continue to win the battles if that's what he chooses. If pride is that important. But he will lose the war because I know myself and my feelings will fade with this kind of treatment.. I will eventually leave. Already I'm playing it safe. Making a back-up plan so that next time the door isn't as far away. I can't leave myself trapped like this again.

Plan B- I will find my power again. I will live for me first. I will apply for these working papers and then fly back to New York to recharge. Comeback and find a job. I will be making money here and there is my door.. Always there for me. Patiently waiting for me if I ever need to use it..

It's sad that is boils down to money but that is what is trapping me here now.. Otherwise I could already be gone.. to a hotel, anywhere but here.. doing anything except nothing.

You will never trap me. You will never own me. To try is a waste of energy and there are plenty of other "nice" guys.. Your photo doesn't look good to me anymore. Your picture in my mind has turned ugly. Don't think for a moment that I NEED you. I'm here because I want to be and can be gone as fast as I came..

One day you will be walking down the street and see a beautiful woman walking confidently in the other direction. It will take you a second to relize it's me, then it hits you. For the first time you think "maybe I was wrong".

why am I awake right now? I got up at 8:30 for no reason.

I had a dream Chris was trying to make me kill myself. I was going to die anyway but then decided to live as long as I can. My grandmother was creative and I saw her designing with color. Then my mother was very sick and in the hospital. I was trying to go see her but no one would tell me what's going on. I finally found some info and went with my brother to see her but I couldn't get in because Sean wouldn't follow the rules and Erika was socializing in the lobby.

Waking up to an open door...

Why are all my pleasures related to some kind of guilty feeling? I would like to feel good without guilt. My feelings are what they are. I have many expectations of myself and must to undo these to become more free.

Taking the Plung

Last night I dreamt that things here in Amsterdam became ruined. Nothing I had planned was working out and there was mud on everything..

Two nights ago I dreamt that Aydin and I were both tied to big wooden frames. We were being taken on a route into an ocean and through the water. Every couple minutes the frames took us underwater for a second and then sent us shooting back up to the surface. Then at the end of the route there was a man, we were both in front of him and he told me this time I was going to stay under. I was pulled under water while tied to my frame and reaching up wanting to get back to the surface. Aydin grabbed my hand and was trying to untie my ropes when I woke up.

a Mall

Turner showed up in my dream again. When is he going to stop being a main charecter? We were at a mall and he was putting me down in the friendly subtle way he always did.

Perhaps he can sence my insecurity with my current situation and he appears only as myself.. doubting myself..

I was on a dock with children. The dock moved and was flexible. I croched down and the dock acted like a spring, I jumped and it launched me high into the air before diving into the water.

Part of my body was swollen and I was putting needles in myself trying to drain out the problem.

Also I woke up with this, "you have been the one for me" song stuck in my head.. and it's been making me depressed all morning. All about leaving someone that is very special. Yuck!

A Perfect Life, istiyorum

Finally I sleep without nightmares. I'm by the water and there is a big castle. People from high school are there and i want to hang out with the cool kids. I see them but I'm messed up, something is wrong with me and I fall down. Then I fall asleep in the lobby of a building. I see the castle from far away and it is lite up and beatiful inside. I get closer and I'm surrounded by water. Then I'm on an old dock and above me are men playing a sport, one of them jumps of high, does a full flip and falls down in the back of his neck with a noise. He gets up and runs back. I'm talking to someone on the dock then I walk into the house there are a bunch of balls by the door, "I told you so" I said to the person outside. I walk in further and there is a staircase. from far away it was so beautiful but once I was in it was old.
Another dream about a ring, this man puts pieces of metel together bangs a hammer a couple of time and I have a huge copper ring with huge purple stones in it. It looks like a think ring with a blue stone but when I put it on it changes.
Rafa and his wife have a beautiful baby girl that is one and a half although in real life they just got engaged. I feel jealous of there girl, they are so happy and I want it too..

Home Sick

Last night I had a dream that my brother died, then I woke up and went back to sleep and dreamt that my mother died.

In the dream my mom's soul came to my soul and asked if I would be ok if she left, my soul said back yes. That I know how much she loves me and her love will still support me when she is gone.

I was asking my brother why this happened and he said she had problemswith her lungs and with other things. I yelled back that there was nothing wrong..

When the dream ended I was on a bus again and my brother said it's time to get off, I said no this is too early. Then I was looking though a book of rings, I was trying to cry but I got too upset and stopped being able to breath. I picked up my phone and tried to call Aimee but I still couldn't breath or talk to say what happened. I woke up again.. got out of bed took 3 steps and started crying. I didn't stop for a half hour.

I started having dreams like this when I went away to college about my mom, then again when I went to New York. Something about making myself further away from her scares me like this.

I dreamt that I climbed to the top of a very high point. and it started moving and I was too scared to climb back down.

There was a women whose husband had been cheating on her for 15 years. She just found out and decided to go flirt with someone else. A dangerous man. Her husband tired to stop her because he knew the man was bad but she had something to prove. She wanted to hurt him back and to show him that she could be with someone else also.

To me it represents the way that spite comes from hurt and promises to relief the pain. But it's only another form of self distruction.