Rising Above or Sinking

I dreamt of someone else. Ciaron was there. I was walking with a friend and Aydin got Jealous. He started asking me all these questions. He yelled at me and I left.

Ciaron was there. I was trying to get him to help me. Everytime I get to the point I want to leave I instantly dream of other men and think of calling. My brain automatically starts moving on.

I got into trouble and someone was trying to drag me out of public and into a private space. They put a needle in my arm. I yelled for people to help me. I yelled to him to help me but he didn't come. He was angry.

I was in a house with a man who was ruining my things. Throwing them into the water and I was trying to save them. He was pushing me around a house and near a bed. I was in the ocean flooding away, my things were also flooting in the water. I saw women at a bar in the ocean. I asked them to please put my money in a register and keep it safe.

Cheesy lyrics to my next hate song..

Plan B is offically in effect.. I'm open to flirting and feeling wanted again, feeling beautiful and feeling powerful. His glow has faded for me.

Angry thoughts..

He will never admit he's wrong and I desire peace, I can't function with tension around me.. so of coarse I will be the first to give in, give me, the first to call back and of coarse always the first and sometimes the only one to appoligize.

I will continue to be me. He will continue to win the battles if that's what he chooses. If pride is that important. But he will lose the war because I know myself and my feelings will fade with this kind of treatment.. I will eventually leave. Already I'm playing it safe. Making a back-up plan so that next time the door isn't as far away. I can't leave myself trapped like this again.

Plan B- I will find my power again. I will live for me first. I will apply for these working papers and then fly back to New York to recharge. Comeback and find a job. I will be making money here and there is my door.. Always there for me. Patiently waiting for me if I ever need to use it..

It's sad that is boils down to money but that is what is trapping me here now.. Otherwise I could already be gone.. to a hotel, anywhere but here.. doing anything except nothing.

You will never trap me. You will never own me. To try is a waste of energy and there are plenty of other "nice" guys.. Your photo doesn't look good to me anymore. Your picture in my mind has turned ugly. Don't think for a moment that I NEED you. I'm here because I want to be and can be gone as fast as I came..

One day you will be walking down the street and see a beautiful woman walking confidently in the other direction. It will take you a second to relize it's me, then it hits you. For the first time you think "maybe I was wrong".

why am I awake right now? I got up at 8:30 for no reason.

I had a dream Chris was trying to make me kill myself. I was going to die anyway but then decided to live as long as I can. My grandmother was creative and I saw her designing with color. Then my mother was very sick and in the hospital. I was trying to go see her but no one would tell me what's going on. I finally found some info and went with my brother to see her but I couldn't get in because Sean wouldn't follow the rules and Erika was socializing in the lobby.

Waking up to an open door...

Why are all my pleasures related to some kind of guilty feeling? I would like to feel good without guilt. My feelings are what they are. I have many expectations of myself and must to undo these to become more free.

Taking the Plung

Last night I dreamt that things here in Amsterdam became ruined. Nothing I had planned was working out and there was mud on everything..

Two nights ago I dreamt that Aydin and I were both tied to big wooden frames. We were being taken on a route into an ocean and through the water. Every couple minutes the frames took us underwater for a second and then sent us shooting back up to the surface. Then at the end of the route there was a man, we were both in front of him and he told me this time I was going to stay under. I was pulled under water while tied to my frame and reaching up wanting to get back to the surface. Aydin grabbed my hand and was trying to untie my ropes when I woke up.

a Mall

Turner showed up in my dream again. When is he going to stop being a main charecter? We were at a mall and he was putting me down in the friendly subtle way he always did.

Perhaps he can sence my insecurity with my current situation and he appears only as myself.. doubting myself..

I was on a dock with children. The dock moved and was flexible. I croched down and the dock acted like a spring, I jumped and it launched me high into the air before diving into the water.

Part of my body was swollen and I was putting needles in myself trying to drain out the problem.

Also I woke up with this, "you have been the one for me" song stuck in my head.. and it's been making me depressed all morning. All about leaving someone that is very special. Yuck!

A Perfect Life, istiyorum

Finally I sleep without nightmares. I'm by the water and there is a big castle. People from high school are there and i want to hang out with the cool kids. I see them but I'm messed up, something is wrong with me and I fall down. Then I fall asleep in the lobby of a building. I see the castle from far away and it is lite up and beatiful inside. I get closer and I'm surrounded by water. Then I'm on an old dock and above me are men playing a sport, one of them jumps of high, does a full flip and falls down in the back of his neck with a noise. He gets up and runs back. I'm talking to someone on the dock then I walk into the house there are a bunch of balls by the door, "I told you so" I said to the person outside. I walk in further and there is a staircase. from far away it was so beautiful but once I was in it was old.
Another dream about a ring, this man puts pieces of metel together bangs a hammer a couple of time and I have a huge copper ring with huge purple stones in it. It looks like a think ring with a blue stone but when I put it on it changes.
Rafa and his wife have a beautiful baby girl that is one and a half although in real life they just got engaged. I feel jealous of there girl, they are so happy and I want it too..

Home Sick

Last night I had a dream that my brother died, then I woke up and went back to sleep and dreamt that my mother died.

In the dream my mom's soul came to my soul and asked if I would be ok if she left, my soul said back yes. That I know how much she loves me and her love will still support me when she is gone.

I was asking my brother why this happened and he said she had problemswith her lungs and with other things. I yelled back that there was nothing wrong..

When the dream ended I was on a bus again and my brother said it's time to get off, I said no this is too early. Then I was looking though a book of rings, I was trying to cry but I got too upset and stopped being able to breath. I picked up my phone and tried to call Aimee but I still couldn't breath or talk to say what happened. I woke up again.. got out of bed took 3 steps and started crying. I didn't stop for a half hour.

I started having dreams like this when I went away to college about my mom, then again when I went to New York. Something about making myself further away from her scares me like this.

I dreamt that I climbed to the top of a very high point. and it started moving and I was too scared to climb back down.

There was a women whose husband had been cheating on her for 15 years. She just found out and decided to go flirt with someone else. A dangerous man. Her husband tired to stop her because he knew the man was bad but she had something to prove. She wanted to hurt him back and to show him that she could be with someone else also.

To me it represents the way that spite comes from hurt and promises to relief the pain. But it's only another form of self distruction.